America has a chickenhawk problem. This is plainly obvious to anybody who takes a look at American politics: the halls of power are full of these absolute scumbags…and I think we can all agree that somebody who screams and demands that somebody else wage acts of aggression on their behalf is one of the lowest forms of life there is. While they don’t seem to be as common as they were during the Bush administration (when the likes of Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Karl Rove, Tom Lay, and the like were kicking around), there are still (usually fat and red faced) chicken hawks giving orders on American foreign policy. John Bolton, Mike Pompeo, etc.
And just in case you thought that was an affliction of
impotent fat old men, the youth are affected by it as well! Just take a look at
“The Littlest Chickenhawk” himself Ben Shapiro, who is still constantly
demanding aggressive action in the Middle East, and was doing so as far back as
the beginning of the Iraq War in 2003…when he was 19 years old and thus fully
eligible to serve, but for some mysterious reason never showed up to the
While the desire to live vicariously through the violence
committed by other men is undoubtedly a universal trait (just look at how the
action movie has, in some form or another, been a constant throughout the
history of cinema), it seems to be more prevalent in the USA, if only because
there’s more opportunity for these people to get off on big explosions and
battle footage (by which I mean the USA is involved in more military action,
hence these people are more visible—if other countries were involved in
international policing as much as we were, chickenhawks would probably be more
It is clear to me that anybody who advocates real life
violence as an immediate (rather than a last possible) choice is somebody that
has never served in the military or even faced physical violence in there life.
I am not a military veteran of any kind, but as a martial artist who has taken
many an ass kicking in the gym, I know first hand that…well, violence sucks.
Being in physical pain sucks, and that’s half of knowing the danger of physical
violence—it sounds blitheringly obvious, but this has to be said.
And as I’ve discussed in other articles, committing brutal, overwhelming violence on somebody leaves you feeling pretty damn shitty as well. In short, the people who most advocate violence are those who have never committed it or had it committed upon them. So, with that in mind, I feel that I have a very simple and easy way to make sure that nobody will ever advocate pointless wars of aggression again:
A law can be passed—we can call it the Chickenhawk
Conscription Law. And this law will state that in the event of a war of
aggression (which every American war since 1953 has been) any figure of public
prominence—whether it be a politician, a television pundit, or a blogger/Youtuber/other
internet personality that has at least 100,000 subscribers or makes at least
50% of their income from their internet endeavors (whichever comes first)—that
advocates for said war of aggression will be immediately drafted into the military
in a front line infantry combat role, and be forced to fight in the war that
they advocated so much for.
Naturally, since they love the military and the war in question so much they would have no objections to doing this—and in the grand old tradition of Robert McNamara, we’ll lower any and all standards to get them into the military. Because if you want to fight, you shouldn’t be rejected just because you’re too short or too old or too fat.
Wouldn’t that be great, to see these a chickenhawk (or chickenhawks) getting to live out their dreams of being real life army men? Don’t you want to see Bill Kristol or Ben Shapiro or John Bolton as the point man of a squad as they breach the doors of some stinking Third World hovel? Wouldn’t you like to see Mike Pompeo or Hillary Clinton standing knee deep in bilge water lugging load after load of 75 pound artillery shells?
The thought of it amuses me, to be quite honest, just as
much as the thought of how quickly support for wars would dry up the second
these braying assholes would be forced to put their money where their mouths
were and actually fight their own battles.