Thoughts on Musical Penises

I’ll give you a second to guess what the hell “musical penises” refers to. And so…

It’s a very music-centric week here on the Barbaric Gentleman! I’ve already given you a bit of an introduction to the field, and some encouragement as to how to go about starting your musical leanings. But a question that I am frequently asked is: Which musical instrument should you start with playing?

If you’ll recall the article in question, I suggested that you find your own way and pick for yourself, advice that is still valid. BUT, if you’re part of the vague and nebulous creativity-masculinity-sex matrix that this website largely runs on, then you’re probably going to want to pick an instrument that will get you the attention of the opposite sex.

So thus, your question is likely something to the effect of:
what instruments are quote-unquote “Sexy”?

Polls run by 60 Minutes and Vanity Fair indicate that the answers are…well, basically what any casual observer would expect. The top spot is taken by the guitar, just barely eking out the 1st place spot ahead of the saxophone (26% versus 25%), followed by the piano, the violin, and the flute. And, naturally, the brass instruments are basically not represented in the slightest (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: nobody wants to fuck tuba players).

The sexuality of the guitar and the saxophone are so ubiquitous that they’re practically cliché. Countless teenybopper romances will characterize the male lead by having him sensitively strum some three chord bullshit on his guitar. And many more film noirs (and pastiches of the same) will signify the arrival of the femme fatale with a wailing riff on the saxophone. But this does raise some questions. Namely, why are those particular instruments considered sexier than others?

I myself have two theories about this.

The first is that, to put it bluntly…those instruments are
extremely loud. Those instruments will often be the lead in an ensemble and
carry the melody. Or at the very least these will have ample solo time. And
naturally, hypergamy will take over at this point, with the females in the
audience paying attention to the alpha male.

The other is that these two instruments are remarkably phallic. In both cases they are a large and relatively heavy amalgamation of wood or metal that the player holds directly in front of their crotch and manipulates loudly and as the leader of their band. Perhaps on some base limbic level women see this as the peacock-esque phallic gesture that I imagine them to be.

Either way, it goes without saying, but…if you are purely playing music to get some, don’t go for the French Horn.

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