The Seagal Chronicles (Full Video)

Yeah, a bit of a copout this week. I combined my two Seagal videos into one full video, and added a few new things.

Do you want the frenetic energy of this man? Well…you can’t buy his energy drink anymore, because it was discontinued in 2015. And that’s a shame, because you could have consumed LIGHTNING BOLTS with flavors such as Asian Experience and CHERRY CHARGE. Reviewers note that it tasted like, and I quote, “rancid peaches, cigarettes, and multivitamins”. To be fair, that’s how I feel all energy drinks taste like. So…I guess Steven Seagal can be commended for meeting the full standards of energy drinks.

But that’s not the only Seagal merchandise you can find. Seagal is as close as you can get to a real life Krusty the Clown in that he will slap his giant beefy face onto anything for money—don’t believe me, here he is appearing in a celebrity guide to wine. 

He’s sold knives and
swords and martial arts seminars, which at least makes sense. But then there’s
stuff likelicensed aromatherapy massage oil, because THIS GUY has the kind of
skin you want to have. In a sick way this does make sense considering that
Steve has been known to use the “I’m a shiatsu master, let me massage
you” as a pick up line, immediately afterwards he’ll start grabbing a
woman’s chest or crotch. More on that later.

He’s done adverts for Australian beer companies and, uh, Russian sniper rifles. In fact, Mr. Seagal is has a full involvement with firearms, which seems a bit odd for a Buddhist vegetarian and alleged reincarnated lama, but quite in character for a Walter Mitty-type who fabricates military service. We’ll get to that in a bit. And I specify Russian rifles specifically because Mr. Seagal has quite the infatuation with the Motherland, but again more on that later

When he’s not shilling
LITERALLY ANYTHING, he’s shilling himself in yet another persona, that of a
mixed martial arts grandmaster. He has somehow managed to talk his way into the
walkout entourage of several victorious UFC fighters like Anderson Silva and
Lyoto Machida. Both of whom are conveniently Brazilian gentlemen who don’t
speak English. By an astonishing coincidence, a few years back, both Silva and
Machida won back to back fights with front kicks to the face, and naturally
Seagal took credit for this, claiming to have taught them this move in training
camp. Not only that, Seagal claims to have invented the move.

Let me repeat that. He claims. to have invented. The front Kick. Y’know, that move that is literally the first thing they teach you in a karate class?

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