The Madness of Steven Seagal (Kung Fail)

Technically, part 1 of my expose of the madness of Steven Seagal—it has to be in two parts because my god there’s a lot of it.

We all know Steven Seagal, we all
love hiiiiis earlier work and begrudgingly point and laugh now. But the
absurdity that is Steven Seagal extends far beyond his crappy direct to DVD
films or his crappy video game that I have already reviewed. His life is a
goldmine of utter insanity that needs to be celebrated. And we shall be looking
at it all—the dizzying highs, the terrifying lows, and the creamy
centers—and no, that’s not a petty fat joke about our boy. Well, not JUST a
petty fat joke *picture*. For one must understand how high he rose to
understand just how low he has fallen.

Let us begin with his film and media career. His greatest moments of glory, and the parts of his fall that are, y’know, not TOTALLY embarrassing.

Steven Seagal was born in Lansing Michigan to Samuel and Patricia Seagal (Seagull). Note the pronunciations. His father was of Russian Jewish ethnicity and his mother was of Dutch and Anglo-Saxon heritage. This is important to remember because at various points Steve-O has claimed, insinuated himself, or at the very least LARPed as being Italian-American, Native American, African-American, Mongolian, or Tibetan, but uh more on that later.

After becoming a 7th dan black belt
in the art of aikido, which is legitimate, although Steve’s pathological lying
is noted as early as the 1970s, Seagal started teaching in Beverly Hills,
gettin contacts in the film industry, much like Bruce Lee and the Gracie
family, come to think of it. And there it was that Steve got his first stunning
stroke of good luck.

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